The Tale of Bilby

(background: "http://i.imgur.com/qa93hPh.jpg")[ you are ^^s k i p p i n g^^ //down// ''street'' like *an* **idiot** ] [[//don't stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up//|The encounter]] (set: $full to 10)

(background: "http://i.imgur.com/qa93hPh.jpg")[Just give up. This adventure probably isn't that cool anyway...] [[//keep skipping//|keep skipping]] [[//give up//|give up]]

(background: "http://i.imgur.com/qa93hPh.jpg")[ (colour:yellow+blue)[**you skip into a dark foggy alleyway. There are two shadowed figures minding their own business** ] ] [[//attack//|attack shadow men]]

u messed up. you can make fun of minecraft you can make fun of roblox [[//continue//|overwatch]]

(colour:yellow)[[[//approach the shadowy figure//|Dr Midnight]]] (colour:red)[[[//approach the shadowy-er figure//|Bilby]]]

**b U t 👏 d O n T 👏 m a K e 👏 f u N 👏 o F 👏 o v E r w A t c H 👏** You didn't make it too far. This is the worst ending possible. (colour:red)[GAME OVER]

🎩 You approach him 🎩 (colour:purple+green+red)[his tall cardboard hat glistens in the moonlight] [[//tap him//|tap bilby]] [[//rub him//|rub bilby]]

You approach the tall cloaked figure. (link: "continue")[all of a sudden **the clock strikes midnight** you feel weird, your brain starts to tingle. [[//keep walking towards him//|run and fall]] [[//This doesn't feel right. RUN//|run and fall]] ]

You reach around and (link:"*t a p* him (colour:yellow+red)[on the bill of his hat.]")[ He immediately shouts, without turning to face you "I AM BILBY HEAR MY CALL" [[//Pleasure, Bilby. Even though your hat is just a tall cardboard box, you look **quite handsome**//|like hat]] [[//I dont like your hat, **alley man.** it makes me feel bad and weird//|hate hat]] ]

You firmly caresse his long, dashing cardboard hat. Instead of turning to face you, (colour:green)[he starts to slowly rotate towards you,] over the course of 15 seconds, until your eyes finally meet. (link: "more")["Hello" he says, "I am bilby" You feel his warm breath on your face, it feels (colour:orange)[nice.] [[//Pleasure, Bilby. Even though your hat is just a tall cardboard box, you look **quite handsome**//|like hat]] [[//I dont like your hat, **alley man.** it makes me feel bad and weird//|hate hat]] ]

(background: "http://i.imgur.com/qa93hPh.jpg")[ YOU RUN AT TOP SPEED TOWARDS HIM ] (link: "how does that go")[You are in terrible shape and collapse from fatigue after 2 seconds. [[//Power through the humiliation. Just crawl//|crawl]] [[//Feel ashamed. Get a gym membership//|24 hr fitness]] ]

You crawl slowly towards your target, slowly, carefully. (link: "continue")[The ground feels oddly comforting, even inviting. You doze off, mid crawl, on the concrete.] [[//zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz//|sleeping]]

(background:"http://www.thinkaec.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/24-Pleasanton-18-1020x680.jpg")[ You enter 24 Hour Fitness. { (set: $str to 0) } ] [[//pick up the biggest weight//|biggest weight]] [[//pick up the smallest weight//|smallest weight]]

Strength surges through your b0nes and u become (colour:red)[pretty sw0le instantly] (set: $strength to 100) (link:"noice")[ [[//go back to the alleyway and prove you're not a failure//|go back]] [[//create a "social experiment" youtube channel where you show off your muscles to solicit random women for casual sex//|joey salads]] ]

(colour:red+white)[You lift the smallest weight.] { (set: $str to $str + 1) } (if: $str < 4)[You're still a weak loser] (if: (($str > 3) && ($str < 11)))[You are no longer weak. But you're still a loser.] (if: (($str > 10) && ($str < 16)))[You got some chunk on ya] (if: (($str > 15) && ($str < 36)))[Damn boi you thicc] (if: (($str > 35) && ($str < 60)))[You are a human marshmallow. Good job] (if: $str > 59)[You become Arnold Schwarzenegger. [[//GeT tO dA ChOpPa//|choppa]] ] [[//lift it again//|smallest weight]] [[//Just take some steroids//|biggest weight]]

(colour:yellow)[Guns out, suns out.] (link: "never skip leg day")[You return to the mouth of the alleyway. Your stomach growls. After weeks of training your body demands constant high-calorie intake.] [[power through the pain]] (display: "foodchoice")

(background:"http://imageslogotv-a.akamaihd.net//uri/mgid:uma:image:logotv.com:11664532?quality=0.8&format=jpg&width=980&height=551")[ (colour:black+red)[You become a master pick up artist and you call yourself Joey Salads. ] (link:"Hi my name is Joey Salads")["(colour:black+red)[**"Hi my name is Joey Salads, today we're gonna be doing a social experiment where I euthanize people's children and see how they react."**] [[//subscribe//|joey 2]] [[//smash that MF like button 🔥😂👌👌🔥//|joey 2]] ] ]

(background: "http://i.imgur.com/qa93hPh.jpg")[ You suck in your gut, and arrive in the alley once more. ] (if: $legsbroken is true)[**your legs are still broken**] (link: "more")[all of a sudden a dark stormcloud appears in the sky and an angry breeze chills your b0nes. Lighting flashes. (link: "more")[you hear a hushed, creamy voice - *t h e d o c t o r w i l l s e e y o u n o w* (set: $chew to 0) (link: "more")[you start to get tunnel vision [[//nOw dO thE hArleM sHAkE//|harlem shake]] ]]]

You sit, comatose, at the table, (if: $legsbroken is true)[**legs broken**,] staring bitterly at the stacks of plates you shamelessly polished off. { (set: $full to $full -1) } (if: $full > 0)[[[//eat more//|eat]]] (if: $full < 6)[you best stop boy, max capacity is 300 and u at 3000] (if: $full < 4)[Careful there partner (if: $full < 2)[Take one more bite and you will literally die **this is not hyperbole**] (if: $full < 1)[ **You are so stuffed that you enter into a real coma.** [[// sweet release//|coma]]] (if: $full > 0)[[[//rethink your choices and enroll in a 3 week mega abs bootcamp on some weird island//|island]]]]

You're still a weak loser [[//lift the tiny weight again//|smallest weight]]

Your YouTube account got demonitized. [[//try to get a Sprite sponsorship//|sprite]] [[//give up the salads life//|give up salad]] [[//continue to make content without being paid. Become a buddhist monk and settle down//|become poor]]

You renouonce all material possesions and become a buddhist monk. You don't win this game but you win **eternal peace.**

(background:"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/59/Bank_of_Italy_Building_entrance%2C_552_Montgomery_St.%2C_SF.JPG")[ (colour:red+blue)[**You enter a random building downtown**] [[//"I know there's a sprite rep in here I just know it"//|i know it]] ]

You eat your final salad and head back to the alleyway. You see a strip mall just a block away, and you feel a storm brewing inside. You are a hungry hungry hippo. [[power through the pain]] (display: "foodchoice")

(background:"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/59/Bank_of_Italy_Building_entrance%2C_552_Montgomery_St.%2C_SF.JPG")[ [[//"I do all the tricks the skaters do I just need a sprite sponsorship"//|break legs]] (set: $full to 8) ]

Security throws you out onto the street. (colour:red)[Your legs are broken.] (set: $legsbroken to true) You see a strip mall just blocks away. You yearn for (colour:green+white)[sustinance.] [[//crawl there like you always do.//|foodchoice]]

Gosh, that is the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me. Besides the time when my mother was on her death bed and her final words to me were (colour:green)["ey, u an 'aight fellow"] (display: "get the hat")

Know what? Know WHAT? You're gosh darn right, I'm a total *poser*. How could **I**, a simple *alley man*, pull of a hit style like **this**? (display: "get the hat")

(link: "more ")[Here, I want you to take my hat. I want you to have it. (background:"http://c8.alamy.com/comp/K5J157/pile-of-cardboard-box-on-black-background-and-tehe-top-open-K5J157.jpg")[ ] The hat gives the wearer three superhuman powers: (link: "power one:")[If you are ever in a hurry to ship a package and don't have a box handy, **the hat will provide.** (link: "power two:")[If you ever need a freind in a dire time **the hat will provide.** (link: "power three:")[If it ever rains and you don't mind having a very soggy cardboard hat **the hat will provide.** (link: "THANK YOU, Bilby")[*No problo.* And If you ever need my help, just tap the bill and recite (link: "the incantation")[the incantation. *The incantation*: **"Bilby Bilby you're so fine, you're so find you blow my mind hey Bilby"** Say these words, and I will appear to aid you in any quest. (link: "say goodbye")[*Bilby leans in so close you feel his warm breath once again, and he whispers in your ear -* "Safe travels guy, and never forget (link: "*the golden rule*") [*the golden rule - *"**be fancy and silly at the same time and you will never be alone.**" (link: "I'll never forget you Bilby")[Feeling accomplished, you set your sights on the second, even more mysterious shadowy figure. { (set: $hat to true) } [[//go check it out//|Dr Midnight]] [[//nah that's sketch, I'm fed up with this world.//|fed up]] ]]]]]]]]]

[[//zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz **BURP** zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz//|sleeping more]]

You are startled asleep, gasping for 0xygen, you are choking on your own vomit. It tastes surprisingly delicious, and you swallow all of it. [[//try to throw up more because it tasted really good and you want seconds//|seconds]] [[//hate yourself//|hate yourself]]

(background:"https://lovelace-media.imgix.net/getty/168314319.jpg")[ (colour:red+grey)[**You are hunched over a toilet in a dirty gas station bathroom. After hours of trying to induce vomiting without any tasty reward, you give up. You are still hungry.**] ] (set: $full to 8) (link:"tengo hambre")[(display: "foodchoice") ]

look at yourself. Alone, lying alone in an abandoned apartment on a pile of heroin needles. its time to get my life back together [[//lets do it!//|24 hr fitness]]

(background:"http://hieldsaviation.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/helicopter-flying-images-13.jpg")[ You are in da choppa. Where do you wanna fly ] [[//somewhere warm and pretty c://|island]] [[//Just turn off the engine and see where we land.//|falling]] [[//str8 into the sun boi//|sun]]

(background:"http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2VRo73eu2Ns/UbTwVeNWzLI/AAAAAAAASsg/52BQa7f7uX8/s800/DSC_3162.JPG")[ you arrive on a (colour:red+white)[**beautiful island**] and are forced into a cult where you worship buckets. [[//suffer//|suffer]] (if: $hat is true)[[[//Bilby Bilby youre so youre so fine you blow my mind hey Bilby//|overlord]]] ]

The choppa plummets and crashes into the ocean. You jump out, avoiding the blades underwater. You get above water and gasp for air. You see a mass of land just a mile away. the blades are still spinning, slower but still quickly, underwater. **your strength is high enough** that you escape certain death! [[//swim//|island]]

(background:"https://d2gg9evh47fn9z.cloudfront.net/800px_COLOURBOX27201562.jpg")[ You Fly into the sun and perish. What did you think would happen? (colour:red)[GAME OVER] ]

(background:"https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDUhtORWAAAne1a.jpg")[ You are so stuffed **you die** and the moral of the story is respect your body and make good choices. (colour:red)[YOU LOSE] ]

(if: $hat is true)[(colour:green)[Bilby appears, and places his hat gently on your head.] "You are safe now, child"]

(background:"http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2VRo73eu2Ns/UbTwVeNWzLI/AAAAAAAASsg/52BQa7f7uX8/s800/DSC_3162.JPG")[ (text-style: "rumble")[(display: "summon bilby")] (colour:red+yellow+black)[You and Bilby immediately become the cult co-overlords and get married. You wear matching cardboard hats to the wedding. **Not a bad life**] (colour:red+orange)[YOU WIN!] ]

(background:"http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2VRo73eu2Ns/UbTwVeNWzLI/AAAAAAAASsg/52BQa7f7uX8/s800/DSC_3162.JPG")[ (colour:black)[You wish you had some artifact or cool headwear to impress the bucket worshippers but you have nothing, (if: $legsbroken is true)[**your legs are broken**,] and they jab you with pencils until you *kick the bucket* ] (colour:red)[GAME OVER] ]

You start to **convulse violently** (link: "oh um... help")[someone shoves a triple dark chocolate cookie in your mouth. (link: "yeah I don't want this")[(set: $counter to 16) You have |amount>[$counter] seconds before you enter a coma! Chew dammit! (live: 1s)[ (link-repeat: "CHEW")[(set: $chew to $chew + 1)] (set: $counter to it - 1) (if: $counter is 0)[(go-to: "coma")] (replace: ?amount)[$counter] (if: $chew > 3)[THAT'S IT! MUNCH!] (if: $chew > 13)[DON'T STOP NOW! CRUNCH!] (if: $chew > 28)[YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT. MUNCH LIKE THE WIND] (if: $chew > 45)[JUST A FEW MORE BITES.] (if: $chew > 61)[(stop:)**YOU DID IT, YOU STOP SEIZURING!** (if: $chew > 62)[U best stop boy] (if: $chew > 78)[The cookie is gone so you're literally biting the air like a damn fool] (link:" nice")[ Hey, you might have temporary permanant brain damage, but so do I, and I still made this coherent, intellectual game. (link: "what the ****** kind of cookie was that?!? ")[You hear another deep whisper - "they call it... ....... ......... (background:"https://us.123rf.com/450wm/albinaglisic/albinaglisic1705/albinaglisic170500071/77139614-double-chocolate-chip-cookies-on-black-background.jpg?ver=6")[ ] (font: "Skia; font-size:300%")[ (text-style: "smear")[ (text-style: "rumble")[ DR. MIDNIGHT ]] [[//Doctor...TAKE ME//|alive]] ]] ] ] ] ] ]

(if:$legsbroken is true)[You chewed so good your legs **repaired** and you feel thicc as ever!] (link:"oh, doctor")[You and the doctor lock eyes, from across the room. Down your drinks while the rhythm booms. (link:"take my hand and skip the games")[The doctor looks deep into your soul as he speaks (link:"senpai...")[No need here for the silly games A **magical cookie platform** appears under your feet. (text-style: "rumble")[ [[//***t r a n c e n d***//|trancend]] ] ]]]

You are in a (colour:red)[c o m a.] You are a (colour:green)[ V e g e t a b l e] (link:"rough")[ Days flicker by, you are in your own head. You cannot hear, see or feel the world around you. (text-style: "shudder")[ (text-style: "shadow")[ [[//enter the ***mind realm***//|mind realm]] ]]]

You dip. (link: "continue")[you walk into a flower shop [[//I'll have one dosen red roses please//|roses]] ]

The cashier hands you the boquet, "Thanks, you're my favorite customer." (link: "continue")[You head back to your San Francisco apartment, carrying the roses. (link: "continue")[You enter the house and see your fiance, lisa, sitting on the couch. [[//Hi babe! I have something for youuuuu//|give flowers]] ]]

(YOU STORM ONTO THE ROOF WITH A WATER BOTTLE, LOOKING CONFUSED AND LOST. YOU SLAM THE DOOR BEHIND YOURSELF.) I did not hit her. It's not true! It's bullshit, I did not hit her. Why did Lisa say that? I would never do that! (YOU THROW THE BOTTLE OF WATER TO THE GROUND.) I did not hit her! (YOU PICK UP A FOOTBALL FROM THE FLOOR AND TOSS IT IN THE AIR.) Oh hi Mark. What's up with you? MARK Not much. I'm just sitting up here thinking about life. I wonder if girls like to cheat like guys do? YOU What makes you say that? MARK (MARK STANDS UP AND YOU TOSS THE BALL TO HIM.) Well, I'm just thinking, you know. YOU (YOU CONTINUE TO TOSS THE BALL WHILE YOU ARE TALKING.) I don't have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me. MARK You never know. People are very strange this days. I used to know a girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up and she ended up in a hospital. YOU What a story! CONTINUED: MARK You can say that again. YOU (YOU GET UP AND WALK OVER TO MARK AND STAND NEXT TO MARK.) I'm so lucky I have you as my best friend and I love Lisa so much. MARK Yeah man, you are lucky. (PAUSE.) (MARK IS SPEAKING SLOWLY, IN A LOW VOICE.) Very....lucky. YOU You should have a girl Mark. MARK (MARK WALKS AWAY FROM YOU AND CAREFULLY POSITIONS HIMSELF SO HE IS STANDING IN THE EXACT MIDDLE OF THE ROOF.) Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe I have one already. I don't know yet. YOU Well what happened to that girl? Remember? Betty? That's her name, isn't it? Betty? MARK Yeah. (PAUSE.) Yeah, we don't see each other anymore. Besides she wasn't any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments. YOU That's too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it. MARK (NOT BREAKING HIS GAZE FROM YOU, MARK SLOWLY BACKS AWAY FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOF AND STARTS FEELING FOR HIS CHAIR WITH HIS HAND BEHIND HIM. WHEN HE FINDS IT HE SITS DOWN.) I just can't figure women out. Sometimes they're smart, sometimes they're dumb. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not nice. They are evil, seductive and hostile. YOU (YOU WALK OVER TO MARK.) YOU Seems to me like you're an expert on this. (YOU SIT DOWN NEXT TO MARK.) MARK (LAUGHING BITTERLY.) Nooooo. I'm definitely not an expert. YOU What's bothering you Mark? MARK (MARK STANDS UP AND SHOUTS.) Nothing man! Forget it! YOU (YOU GET UP AND GO AFTER MARK.) Is it some secrets Mark? Why don't you tell me? We are like brothers, we shouldn't have secrets. MARK No forget it, I'll talk to you later! (MARK GOES THROUGH THE DOOR. YOU GO AND LIE FACE DOWN ON THE BENCH, CLUTCHING THE FOOTBALL TIGHTLY AT YOUR SIDE.) You Don't Win. But you don't lose. (colour:red)[THE END]

(background:"http://www.colindye.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Awarenessbirthchakrasconciousness-are-buddhists-and-now-New-Age-concepts-we-need-to-reclaim-them.jpg")[ You sit, alone, in a pitch black room, in a large padded chair. (link:"where am I?")[You are in the (text-style: "shudder")[(text-style: "shadow")[mind realm]] Sorry not sorry (link:"I want to leave")[of course you do. Instead, let me offer you two alternatives. (link:"Did I stutter? let me go")[Two buttons appear, one on each armrest. The **left button** reads (colour:blue+white)["Advil™"] The **right button** reads (colour:orange)["macaroni and cheese"] [[//press **left** button//|advil]] [[//press **right** button//|macaroni]] ]]] ]

You and the doctor float off into the night. You obtain (colour:blue+green)[**unlimited cookies**] (colour:red+blue)[YOU WIN!]

(background:"http://www.colindye.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Awarenessbirthchakrasconciousness-are-buddhists-and-now-New-Age-concepts-we-need-to-reclaim-them.jpg")[ The (text-style:"smear")[bad man] force feeds you an advil. You had no pain to start with, and the pill does nothing. You are stuck in this nightmare. (colour:red)[f o r e v e r] [[//press **right** button//|macaroni]] ]

(background:"http://www.colindye.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Awarenessbirthchakrasconciousness-are-buddhists-and-now-New-Age-concepts-we-need-to-reclaim-them.jpg")[ A (colour:orange)[bowl of macaroni] manifests and is poured on your face, *scalding your skin.* You are stuck in this nightmare. (colour:red)[f o r e v e r] [[//press **left** button//|advil]] ]